Ridiculous
by Quillerella
Summary: The characters of the Labyrinth are surprising me everywhere! Find out what they have to say in my exclusive, ridiculous interviews in various locations, including the bus! Please review!
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: Alas, the Labyrinth is not mine. This is just a bit of silliness that occured to me on the bus as I neared campus. Since I was still rather sleepy, this may be retarded, but some of you may also be amused!_

_

* * *

_**Ridiculous**

_4 September, 2008  
7:30 AM  
Unexpected interview with Jareth the Magnificent, transcribed in a sleepy stupor by Quillerella_

Well, good morning to you, madam. Don't fall off the seat now, you wouldn't want to disrupt your fellow commuters. Of course I'm real, silly girl. How else could I be talking to you? How did I find you? Simple, really. You see, I was browsing this _ingenious_ thing you mortals have called the Inter-net, I believe is how it is pronounced, and I discovered that I have a large array of subjects Aboveground as well as Underground! I just had to let them all know about their King!

Of course I don't have any goblins living Aboveground, silly girl. I mean all of the thousands of fans swarming all over this fantastic web of yours! You yourself are a subject. Oh don't look so surprised. You write stories about me, do you not? Thousands of people do, from the looks of it, and I must say right now, I am extremely pleased. You all amuse me so much. I spent many hours in the past few days trolling through your fascinating stories. Oh all of the relationships I've had, all of the situations you have put me in, and not just you, but that Jim Henson, all of the authors here and elsewhere, all of the drawings...I must admit, I do believe my hair has grown all the more voluminous to fit the extra ego you all have inflated me with.

A fantasy world? My Labyrinth? Please. It is as real as this fat, smelly, man sitting next to you on the bus. Though definitely not that malodorous. Oh I forgot, I must pass on a message from My Sarah before we continue. Yes, yes, Sarah is my wife, and my Queen. Of course, I know you all expected that, but really. She was the only one to defeat my Labyrinth. Who else was I going to marry? Some pretentious Fae prissy inabiting the Fae council? They're much to fluffy for my tastes.

One thing at a time. I must pass on my dearling's message before I indulge in the tale of our love...(_here the Goblin King sighs wistfully and a blissful smile curves his lips before he snaps back to his alert, kingly self)_ Sarah is jealous. Very jealous. I must say, I find this focus on me fascinating but Sarah...ahem. Well, she is er - _uncomfortable_ - with the idea that so many young women here seem to be rather infatuated with me. She's not at all pleased that thousands upon thousands of women have imagined romances of mine that did not involve her. Personally though (because I know she will never read this), I encourage you all to continue. These stories are just so amusing! When I'm having a terrible day with those dreadfully dull goblins, I know I can come here and sink myself into a story where everything comes up smelling like roses (which is a rare occurence in the Castle, sadly).

Fine, fine, I shall tell you how I wooed my darling Sarah. I showed up on her doorstep with a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates and we hit it off from there.

You don't believe me? Of course you don't. It is much too mundane for the likes of me. I was just curious to see how many of you would actually believe me capable of such a low method. No. I arrived in her room in a shower of pink glitter with a magnificent crystal necklace on bended knee (don't worry, I waited until she had matured, for goodness' sake). I explained to her how I hadn't stopped thinking of her since she triumped, and would she please be mine? Of course she could not refuse. We have lived happily ever after since that blissful moment.

That sounds too cliche to you? Well that's the only truth you're going to get. That's a private story that I like to entertain myself with. It took some work, let me tell you. But let us move on, shall we?

My favourite colour is purple. How dare you laugh? Purple is a manly colour. Gender-colours aside, purple glitter is the most effective of all colours. No I would never wear a bright purple top. That would clash with all of my tight pants and poet shirts. Yes, I really do wear tight pants. I know you're trying not to look at them. Just get it over with, I can wait. Although you may want to tell that man next to you to stop drooling, it is ruining your school bag.

My favourite pastime is reading in the library with a good Sarah curled up on my lap. Yes, you can 'aww' and 'oooh' and 'oh that's so sweet' all you want, but physical closeness is just so necessary when you are in love. We like to read history books, actually. The history of the Underground and the Labyrinth is _fascinating_, and if you had several centuries, why, I could give you a full course! I also like to garden. My private garden is the magnificent stronghold of my privacy. It is the only place the goblins cannot urinate in, vomit on, destroy, litter with chickens and garbage, or drink in. It is pristine. I prefer crysanthemums and scarlet roses to any other flower. And hedges. And I also like there to be many tree-sculptures of myself. I'm so handsome, don't you think?

The hardest thing about being a Goblin King is most definitely the drunken parties. Those goblins seem to be under the impression that I will sing ridiculous songs for them. Can you imagine such a thing? I wonder where they got that idea from.

The easiest? Kicking goblins out of the window, of course. Those goblins are surprisingly light, you know, and they always go with a satisfying 'phunt' noise. You should try it sometime when you are stressed. It does wonders for your mental health.

My favourite thing about being the Goblin King (aside from my lovely Goblin Queen, that is) is the magic. Those crystals are so fascinating and fun. It is too bad that you mortals don't have magic. Rather, I should say, that you cannot recognize magic. What a shame.

I have never been drunk! I don't even know why I let those goblins drink. I didn't mention those drunken parties to give you the impression that I stumbled around slurring my words all night. The most I've ever enjoyed is the finest glass of OakFae wine. That is only served at high-end Fae gatherings.

My favourite food is most definitely cheese. Especially when it is melted, drizzled over pickles. Oh don't look so disgusted! It is quite tasty, and stress-relieving. You should try it before your classes get you too overwhelmed. Of course we grow cheese in the Underground. You mean you don't grow it here? How odd. It grows on square purple bushes in my private garden.

Why would you want to hear about my childhood? It was an utterly boring 2499 years. No, I will not tell you no matter how hard you beg. And besides, it looks like we've reached your stop. Enjoy your day, madam, and do pass on my greetings to your fellow writers.

_Jareth the Magnificent promptly disappears in a shower of purple glitter, leaving the occupants of my bus rather dazed and confused, and my schoolbag is drenched in drool._

_Interview completed 8:00 AM_

* * *

_Heh. A lot of silliness. This is what a tired mind does when it is forced to wake up at 5:00 in the morning. I'm not sure if you will all find this funny. I think it's definitely wierd. Let me know if Jareth should visit again to regal us all with tales of his childhood. ;P_


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: Even though Jareth and Sarah seem to be stalking me at the moment, they are not mine. (I wish - at least in Jareth's case) It seems that some of you have actually enjoyed my odd little musings. Really this is just a bit of fun to relax my brain in between complex music stuff. Enjoy!_

* * *

**Ridiculous**

_Interview 6th September, 2008  
8:00 PM  
Transcribed by Quillerella, who was surprised in the middle of her homework by Sarah, the Goblin Queen._

Ahem. Don't look so shocked, you should have known I'd be coming. After all, if my husband is visiting you, why can't I? Why are you looking so nervous? I'll bet Jareth told you that I'd never find out about the Internet and all of those stories, including your little transcriptions. What does he know? I lived in the Aboveground. My silly fool. He should know better. And I am also aware that he did not properly pass on my message (_at this point she is glaring at me so fiercely that I have to look away)_.

Don't try to talk me out of it. There are thousands of girls _drooling _all over my husband and I don't like it one bit. It's not fair - of course I still say it. Only when the situation really isn't fair. And this isn't. He's mine. I won him. The rest of you can just keep your fantasies in your heads, thank you very much. Didn't Jareth tell you how we ended up together? Oh I see. He was being intentionally vague. I'll bet he was trying to encourage all of you little authoresses out there. That man! He's in for it when I get home! Anyways, no it wasn't exactly the most romantic of circumstances. I was going out for a run early morning and I took a shortcut through the bushes around my house and tripped over Jareth! He had been camping out around my house, spying on me, it seemed. No it's not really that romantic when you think about it, it's downright creepy. Of course I was fascinated by him still, so it wasn't super creepy. But I was very annoyed. So I challenged him to a game of chess, which is actually quite different Underground. It is played with six pieces instead, and the board is more like a squiggly line of intersecting circles. I told him that if I won, I would be able to order him around however I wanted. He wanted me to be Queen if he won.

I did win the chess game! I'm not just the Queen because Jareth beat me in a stupid game of chess! I trumped him! Anyways, back to the story, I started ordering Jareth around to do everything I could imagine: my homework, my chores, cleaning out the pet cages and the gutters...but he always did the work so willingly and blissfully. And I liked looking at him. I couldn't help but talk to him as he worked. Soon I started making drinks for him while he magicked away the ring around my bathtub and used glitter to scrub around my toilet. And I realised that he was just the most fascinating man that would ever come across my path. And that was it, really. We got married and the rest, as they say, is history.

God no, I'm not going to give you all the gory details. I don't need to feed any of you more fuel for the fire. Ask me something else, so that these readers understand the mature woman and Queen I have become.

My favourite colour is emerald green. That also happense to be the colour of my favourite gown. It is obviously floor length, with a wide skirt that is bunched up artisically and held with sparkling crystals. The sleeves end at my elbows and the neckline is deep and square. I wear it to all of my official outings with Jareth.

My favourite thing to do is put on an old pair of sweatpants and read in Jareth's garden. I like to read by myself, because Jareth tends to distract me when we read together, although that is very fun. We pore through Underground History books and I sit in his lap. I brought my sweatpants from home. I couldn't live without those! Although the silk nightgowns are very comfy...

My favourite drink would definitely be Krilberry juice. The closest thing I can compare it to is a cross between kiwis, raspberries, and salmonberries. It is electric green in colour and extremely tasty, as well as highly nutritious.

My favourite food is still chocolate. I don't know what Jareth sees in his cheese and pickles, although I have recently found that imitating the Nutella spread and slathering the chocolate over bacon is quite tasty as well as stress-relieving.

What do you mean, "Isn't your favourite thing Jareth?" ? I hope he didn't say anything that gross to you, really it's a little over-used for him. Of course I love Jareth very much, and that's why I'm here to turn all of you wannabes away, but I'm not going to start gushing like a pre-pubescent teenage girl. I don't care if people love to read fluff. I don't do fluff anymore. Except for my fluffy pillows. They make a remarkably good little nest for snuggling in. Ugh. Yes we snuggle. Why is our love life of such interest to you? I don't understand. If you aren't making up girls for Jareth to be with, you're obsessing over every detail of our lives together. You can't expect me to tell you every little thing that goes on in our lives. And I'll make sure that Jareth doesn't come back either.

By the way, you spilled your bag of Doritos when I visited. It's all over your English homework. If I were you, I'd clean that up.

_The Goblin Queen vanishes in a small puff of green smoke, much less showy than her husband, leaving me to clean up the mess I made when she startled me.  
Interview Completed 9:00 PM_

* * *

_Well there we have it. I know people were interested in a visit from Sarah, so there we have it. She is jealous of us, my friends. But Jareth has visited me again and assured us that we have his permission to continue. He wishes me to transcribe some of his childhood memories next time...let me know what you thought!_


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: Sigh. You all know it. I know it. Jareth knows it. Jim Henson knew it. The Labyrinth isn't mine. Ugh. Carrying on then, Jareth has seen fit to bestow us with some childhood memories and such. Marvel at the tales of Jareth's past, and yes, you can laugh at my oddity too. _

* * *

**Ridiculous**

_Interview: 9 September, 2008  
10:00 AM  
The Goblin King pops up in my History class to make things more interesting..._

Good morning to you! Why are you panicking? Did I wake you up in the middle of your class? Shame, falling asleep in class - stop panicking already. They cannot see or hear me. I am so stupid as to make such a noticeable appearance Aboveground. Please give me some credit. Oh I can see why you were slumbering. Your teacher has such a monotonous voice and these chairs are so comfortable! Ah I can see you weren't even taking notes...those doodles are interesting...

I was not about to "doze off" as you phrased it! A King never dozes off. He rests his eyes. Really. I shall give you a much more interesting History lesson - about me! I believe your readers desired to learn something of my childhood, no?

Let us start at the beginning, shall we? Of course I mean my birthday! No it will not do for these fine authors merely to know how old I am without knowing the precise date of my birth. Let us keep with tradition. I was born on a beautiful sunny day in the Underground on the thirty-first of October. Yes we have the same calendar system; it was necessary since our worlds are so closely linked. I believe you actually celebrate my birthday Aboveground, though you've named it ridiculously. Halloween? Really. You should change its name to Jareth The Magnificent Day. That sounds much better.

No I am not getting off-track. I'm adding intrigue. What are you muttering? What? It is not a holiday celebrating my existence? Then whatever is it for? Celebrating the harvest? Children dress up in costumes and beg for candy? Preposterous. _(The Goblin King rants incoherently for several minutes)_

Ahem. My apologies. Where were we? Ah yes. 2499 years ago, I was born to Angelus and Clarina, the Goblin King and Queen. I was the pride of the Labyrinth, naturally. Yes, I was born with a full head of hair. No. I have not changed my hair at all since birth. I was not ridiculous-looking! I was the most admired infant of the Underground, whether or not you believe it. Of course I am telling you the truth. I have no reason to lie. These authors and fans already love me. I am not vain. What gave you such an idea?

I began to study magic at the age of three. I was extremely intelligent by then, of course. I learned about magical particles, also known as glitter for you uneducated readers, and crystals. These manifested themselves quite instinctively, actually. Every time I threw a tantrum, I must admit that I usually coated an entire floor of the castle in purple glitter before I managed to calm down. I once lost one of my crystal replicas of the castle and promptly set my mother's favourite curtains on fire before throwing a crystal ball out of the window. It was quite an impressive display, if I do say so myself. The whole entire castle was covered in my purple glitter for three weeks!

Magic is so easy. It may not seem that way to you, but I was born with it. Magic became as easy as speaking, although it became more difficult when I began to fine-tune it, much in the way that Abovegrounders get higher education in their own language. You study it to gain a deeper understanding. Of course now my understanding of magic is so deep that I am the most powerful mage in all of the Underground. I hope you were not thinking otherwise. You shouldn't be. Enough of these stories focus around my prowess with magic that it should be left in no doubt that I am a highly skilled magician.

Yes, yes, I know, you want to hear about my childhood. Aside from learning magic, I travelled a fair bit as soon as I could transform into an owl. I didn't choose my form, rather, I let the glitter within me form into the most comfortable shape. It just happened to be a barn owl. I think they are particularly graceful.

On these travels I met my first crush. Yes, we use the term 'crush'. I believe I was 200 at the time. I was barely into what you would call adolescence. I was in the far-off kingdom of the faerie-elves. They are a magical race, let me tell you, with all the beauty of the elves and the quick wit and magic of a faerie. Her name was Julienna and oh she was beautiful...What? Sarah talked to you?! Don't write that down! I didn't tell Sarah that I fell in love with anyone before her! Erase that right now!!

Very well. If you refuse to erase that I suppose I must continue. She was the princess, naturally. How could I fall for anything else? I was still young, though, and completely unwise. I picked a bouquet of wild tanger-flowers (which look like lilys, only bright blue) and brought them to her myself, flush with my own excellence in having composed the bouquet myself. I had even braved interrupting her playdate with a gaggle of other faerie-elven girls. They all had the nerve to laugh at me when Julienna blushed and said that she didn't like me because I smelled like dirty goblins!

I'll have you know that my castle is one of the cleanest places around. I never smell bad. Do you smell anything malodorous? Besides that person three rows in front of us? I told you. My goblins are just inescapably dirty. That is part of their nature. That does not mean that I, as their King, must be dirty as well. It does not matter who my subjects are.

Back to my childhood then. I had to study the standard subjects of course: mathematics, history, geography, magic, languages, politics, tennis (it is the royal sport after all, although it is quite different from yours), and dance music. All royalty of the Goblin Kingdom must be well versed in poppy dance music. How else are we to entertain goblins whose minds are less developed than the wish-aways we watch over while the Labyrinth is being Run? Clearly I excelled in everything, especially magic and music. That there is a no-brainer, as you Abovegrounders phrase it. I gave my first concert when I was 250. Julienna even had the audacity to come and congratulate me afterwards the ungrateful little...But then, I suppose if I had ended up with her, I would never have met Sarah. Well then.

My concert was spectacular. I performed my own composition, called 'Magic Dance'. Oh it was a brilliant song - you've heard it? Do you like it? 'Delightfully lame'? What on earth is that supposed to mean? None of my music is ever lame. Do you know that if someone had said such a thing to me when I was in my adolescence they became glitter-zombies for months on end? For a while, the whole Labyrinth was littered with glitter-monsters until I learned to get my temper under control. They were actually quite useful in deterring Runners. I really should start that up again...

Oh look at the time! Your history teacher is finishing class. Shame, you didn't get any notes. I should leave you to copy them from someone else. Oh and I think I may have accidentally deposited a large amount of glitter into your backpack, so mind that you don't spill it all over your books! Until next time then!

_The Goblin King vanishes in another puff of glitter, naturally, and I promptly open my bag to discover at least a bucketful of violet glitter all over everything. I shouldn't be surprised. This bag is already drool-sodden. Now it will be glittery too._

_Interview completed 11:00 AM_

* * *

_Well there we have it. I actually did come up with the idea for most of this in my history class. I'm not kidding. That's how boring it is. I was able to have a whole concentration with Jareth in my head. Ahem. I'm not wierd at all. Please review, and let me know what you think! There are more memories to come, and possible another visit from Sarah on the way._


	4. Chapter 4

_Author's Note: Say it with me folks: "Quillerella does not own the Labyrinth." Very good. We could make an excellent choir! Anywhos, Jareth decided to brighten up my decidedly dull work shift with some more stories from his childhood/adolescence. Enjoy!_

* * *

**Ridiculous**

_Interview, 12 September, 2008  
7:00 PM  
Jareth the Goblin King materializes in the toilet paper aisle in a shower of purple glitter. The whole entire aisle is COVERED in glitter._

Good evening! Why are you glaring at me? Oh, the glitter? It comes off fairly easily. You could clean it while I talked. Did you manage to get your bag cleaned? Oh wait, I guess not. You have glitter all over your pants. How dare you look at me like that? Underground, nobody would care about glitter - oh. People are questioning the source of the glitter. Well. Just tell them you are involved in a rigorous craft project! Besides, glitter is magnificent. Especially purple glitter. Stop sighing already, I shall help you get rid of it if you wish. Goodness me, you mortals are so touchy. It took me _centuries _to make Sarah see sense. She over-reacted to everything I said!

I know I surprised those people on the bus that morning, but I've decided that it is much more amusing to surprise you in populated places when I'm invisible! Why don't you find that amusing? You should be laughing, all of my subjects are amused when I'm amused. With the exception of Sarah. Of course she isn't my subject, but she often disagrees with what I find amusing. Kicking goblins out of windows, for example... I'm not _trying_ to make people think you are insane. Why in all of the Underground would you think such a stupid thing as that? And I'm not trying to ruin your schoolbag either, regardless of the fact that it has now been drooled and glittered upon. I think the glitter makes a nice touch.

I had many friends as an adolescent. They were mostly princes from far-off countries. In fact, after I got over that horrid incident with Julienna, I became a great friend to her older brother, Markus. He was very sharp-witted, but he was rather shy and socially awkward. He followed me around like a devoted disciple, hoping that my impressive mannerisms would rub off on him. I am happy to say that I managed to transform him into a very charismatic, dashing, and confident King. He and I still get together regularly for a game of tennis, and we are very strongly allied in the unlikely event that anybody is stupid enough to challenge us.

Why are you so curious about tennis? I did mention something about it being different Underground, didn't I? Very well. Tennis is played with crystals instead of those ugly green balls that you Abovegrounders use. We don't hit them either; we use our magic to direct the crystals in different directions. The object of the game is to smash the crystal over your opponent's score-bucket. Obviously you must use your magic to ensure that you don't smash the crystal over your own bucket accidentally. The playing field is very large and circular, about the size of the stage in that Coliseum in Rome, Aboveground. The game is played for six hours, so these events are very popular and important. Whichever player has the most glitter in his bucket is the loser. I am the Underground Champion at tennis, and I have been for five hundred years.

Back to my good friend Markus...many others flocked to me for the very same reason. I was a magnet for those who needed a boost of self-esteem. Most of the kingdoms of the Underground are ruled by my good friends, who went from boring or plain to interesting and handsome. Need I say more? I am a miracle worker in the Underground. We hold regular tennis tournaments, actually... We also hold hair contests. The king with the most voluminous hair is the victor. Needless to say, I have also been the reigning Hair Champion Underground for over six hundred years.

Of course I have failed in some things. In fact, when I was three hundred, I failed a major History exam and as punishment, my teacher sent me to the Bog of Eternal Stench. I had a hard time avoiding that sludge. It is a miracle that I remain fair of scent today. You see, I was skipping History class to play tennis with Markus and my teacher caught me at it. When I failed the exam... I found myself sliding down a tube and it took all of my magical prowess to hover over the Bog instead of falling into it. _(The Goblin King shudders delicately)_

Oh that stench...

I was there for three weeks...

Ahem. When I came back the whole castle was laughing uproariously at me. Like they had the right! Well, I was so overcome with rage that the Bog of Eternal Stench ended up becoming a lot bigger than it had previously been. When I was younger, it was the size of a small lake. But that day I was so angry that all of my teachers were sent there via a stream of purple glitter and the Bog was forced to expand to fit all of them. And that wasn't including all of the goblins who had laughed. And the servants. Those insolent little...

Why do you look so disturbed? I'm not a cruel man. Those people survived. They just... smell... very badly. And the Bog never did shrink. I've been careful ever since not to send so many there at once ever again. I don't want that cursed Bog to take over the whole Labyrinth. Although it makes for a wonderful threat. I have to but mention the Bog and my goblins will do whatever I tell them. The only person who never caves into that threat is Sarah...

My parents were actually very proud of me when I expanded the Bog of Eternal Stench. It was a major act of magic, you see, and though I was only halfway through my adolescence, that act was seen as my rite of passage. I had truly become a man. My parents handed down the crown to me in a lavish ceremony. My teachers were barred from the celebrations owing to the fact that they all stank horrendously. I was extremely amused. Not only had I gained the crown by dooming them all to smell for all of eternity, I also became a man by committing the most immature of all acts!

_(The Goblin King snickers for some time, during which I attempt to sweep away all of the purple glitter. Unfortunately, some of it has leaked into the packages of toilet paper and I am trying to hide those packages in the back so that nobody buys them)_

Of course I wasn't a man mentally at all. There were several more childish outbursts to come within the next two hundred years. I even lost my temper at a few Runners and had to send them home with their wish-aways. Something always seemed to happen where one of them would turn into a glitter-zombie, and it was against Labyrinth rules for me to turn Runners or wish-aways into piles of purple glitter. I always found that to be a stupid rule. Some of those Runners are just so irritating, always whining about how unfair I am, and whining about how they didn't really mean -

Speaking of Runners - my dear Sarah seems to be calling me. It is time for our bi-weekly - never mind. I shall no doubt see you again within the next few days. Farewell!

_The Goblin King vanishes, and leaves me without any glitter at all for once. Mercifully.  
Interview completed 8:00 PM_

* * *

_There we have it. Hopefully this little installment cheered you all. Don't hesitate at all to leave a little review behind. Jareth has promised to bring the Underground version of chocolate chip cookies for all who leave a little comment. I hear they're large and square, like Rice Krispie Squares._

_Just a quick thank you to my fabulous reviewers so far. You are all amazing! - hands out little glass balls filled with the remainder of Jareth's glitter - (don't worry, it's clean - you can use it to do your homework!)_


	5. Chapter 5

_Author's Note: I don't own Labyrinth. I don't even own one strand of Jareth's very poofy hair. Darn. Well, after a loooong week, Jareth decided to visit me again, this time waking me up from some much needed rest... (grumbles)_

* * *

**Ridiculous**

_Interview, 18 September, 2008  
11:30 PM  
Transcribed by Quillerella in a sleepily vindictive state. The Goblin King has popped into my room rather loudly, waking me up with a violent stream of glitter._

Good evening, madam! Hello? Are you awake? Stop yelling at me, for goodness's sake. I did nothing wrong. Oh, you were sleeping? That would explain those odd clothes you were wearing. I did not mean to say odd. Of course not. What I meant was - er - those pants and that shirt covered in little penguins are utterly - er - fashionable.

Oh, you call them _pyjamas_? What funny name! We just call them nightgowns or nightshirts. You can stop glaring at me now. I didn't even get any glitter on you this time - though I cannot say the same about your teddy bear. He seems to have taken a blow for you. Are you awake yet? Come, come, we haven't all day. Sarah has been watching me rather closely, so we must keep this short. Hurry up, grab your pen and start writing!

How dare you call me bossy? If you were one of my goblins, you would do as you were told the instant I said it! Make that two instants before I said it! I know your readers will value another entry, and you can't very well do that if you aren't awake enough to listen to me, can you? And we must hurry. Like I said, Sarah is rather frustrated. She thinks that I am letting this fan-world get to my head. As if! I must make my gratitude and my most wondrous self known to my other subjects - all right fine, fans, if you prefer. But you all worship me, that's practically the same thing.

Now, we are to begin with the tale of my first hundred years as King of the Goblins. I came up with some fascinating and useful new decrees that made things much easier for me to entertain myself while a Runner challenged the Labyrinth. Before I was King, there was no possibility of actually visiting the Runner in physical form. Past Kings and Queens had to make do with simple illusions. But as my magic was already so mighty by the time I took the throne, it was simple to reconfigure the Labyrinth's constitution to allow me to visit Runners. I find that simply my presence seems to distract the Runners. It is very helpful in assuring that they never reach the centre. With the exception, of course, of Sarah...I don't know how she found the presence of mind to break through my masquerade bubble...

I also included a law that stated that the goblins were obliged to take mandatory baths every month. I know that may seem unhygeinic to you Abovegrounders, but they used to bathe only once a year, and the filth was incredible. There were numerous other things as well: we held monthly masquerades so that I could party with my fellow Kings and Queens while still on royal business, as well as laws against ugly clothing. I did not allow my goblins to wander about wearing only loincloths. The exposure that created was - disgusting, to say in the least. Of course, things do look different while there is a Run in progress, but in between Runners, I don't want to stare at ugly, half-naked little creatures. I'm King! I should not have to look at anything ugly!

I strengthened many of our alliances during my first century as King. Up until then, the Goblin Kingdom had been at war with the FireGlades. But as soon as I went on a diplomatic visit, the Queen (a humanoid being completely made of fire - with wings, I might add) was so moved by my handsome appearance that she declared an immediate treaty of peace. I also had to visit the Ice Kingdom. I already was in alliance with the Icedrakes, but they were warring quite viciously with the FireGlades, and so I had to stop the violence of course. That particular task took a lot of glitter, and considerable amounts of hairspray. The Icedrakes had very limp hair, you see, because it was always frozen to their skulls. They look like miniature dragons, all with blue scales and scarlet eyes. They had magnificently long, blonde hair, though. They were miserable, because the FireGlades always appeared so much more fantastic.

I just brought out my hairspray and cast some glitter over them, and voila! Their hair jumped up immediately. I taught them how to style it in the manner of my own hair, and I left them contented.

Well, of course not every war was based on appearances. Heavens no. But we must all look handsome or beautiful, must we not? At any rate, I also had to clear things up with the Unicorns, and that was very difficult and nasty. It turned out that the goblins had been kidnapping baby Unicorns to use as horses and mules in the Goblin City. I was unaware of it at the time; apparently it was a hot black market commodity. My father had let it slide because Unicorns are remarkably stronger than donkeys. But the Unicorns were threatening to decimate the Labyrinth, and I couldn't let that happen. I returned all of the kidnapped Unicorns to their families, not without effort. My goblins learned early on when I was an infant to hide things well, because I was bound to take their toys or interesting gadgets to amuse myself.

Yes, I would go so far as to say that I singlehandedly brought about peace in the Underground. What can I say? I have a magnanimous personality.

Now, why don't I tell you about the various lands in the Underground? None are as fascinating as the Labyrinth, I can assure you, but they are interesting.

Oh dear. Sarah seems to be on her way here. I had better go. I shall see you soon, madam!

_The Goblin King vanishes, not without showering my poor teddy bear in glitter once again, and also leaving a large pile of neon pink glitter on my head. Seconds later, Sarah materializes with the blackest expression of fury on her face. _

I thought I told you to stop conducting these interviews with my husband? Well, you should have prevented him from visiting you! I dont' care if you don't have the magic to set up a barrier! Ask him to do it! He should -

_A gloved hand has appeared in midair and grasps Sarah's arm, effectively pulling her out of my room and back Underground with a small cloud of glitter. There is a ringing silence. _

_Interview completed 12:01 AM_

* * *

_Uh oh. I seem to be in major trouble from Sarah. However, I can be saved from her wrath! All you need to do is leave a little review, and that shall protect us all from Sarah's anger. Plus Jareth wants to keep telling you all his story, so he'll keep Sarah from decimating the Labyrinth fan-world! _

_Have a good week, everyone, and thanks for reading! _


	6. Chapter 6

_Author's Note: I wish the Labyrinth was mine, but then again, don't we all? Unfortunately, our favourite King Jareth belongs to Jim Henson et co. I don't own Harry Potter either, just all seven books. I have returned with another installment! I fear this one may be a bit short, but I was writing it on the bus in between homework and rehearsals. Enjoy!_

* * *

**Ridiculous**

_Interview, 25th September  
7:10 PM  
The Goblin King materializes in my room as I am practising for choir. His glitter has effectively clogged my vocal chords._

Good evening, Quillerella! And how are you? Are you choking? Why are you glaring at me so nastily? Why, for that matter, aren't you saying anything at all? Your throat? What about your throat? Oh. My glitter. I see. Well, it is not that important, anyways. We are here for you to write down my words, not to have a conversation. Don't grumble at me like that! I am a King, and I am at perfect liberty to say what I like, regardless of the fact that what I say may be insulting, which it _never_ is.

Oh fine. Go get a glass of water. I shall just explore your living space in your absence. Stupid mortals...I cannot believe glitter affects you so...

_(I come back to find Jareth holding my digital alarm clock in reverent fascination)_

Goodness me, what _is _this? A clock! How ingenious! But how does it work? And look at this display! I must get one of these for my Labyrinth. Do they make thirteen-hour clocks here? Why not? It is a most important hour you Abovegrounders are missing, you know. You can do so much more in a twenty-six hour day... _(Jareth accidentally sets off the alarm)_ By Goblin Glitter! It makes noises too! At random hours! But how marvellous! Why do you use such an irritating sound, though? Oh, it wakes you up. Don't you have servants to do that for you? I thought everyone had at least one servant. You are positively deprived. I should send you some goblins - but why not? If they are respectful of their masters, goblin servants are most loyal and industrious. Oh yes, I forgot. Abovegrounders are unused to the sight of goblins. Well, how annoying.

And don't you have any decent books here? Well, you've got hundreds of these flimsy paper abominations, and even these firmer ones seem to be constructed of hard paper. Where are your leather-bound books? Haven't you any fine wooden ones? A little gold-leaf embossing? Pages made of vellum? No? Shame. You know, for a self-professed book lover, you have a pitifully poor collection of books.

And who in all of the Underground is Harry Potter? You have massive paintings of him _everywhere_ in your room! And not one picture of me! That is downright outrageous. What do you mean, "they're not paintings"? How else are you supposed to reproduce images? Foto-graf? What - no you must explain this Potter fellow. I shall deal with this mystery of fotografs later. What is his profession? Is he a vendor of fine crockery, perhaps?

What?! A wizard! With that ridiculous name? Please, that is hardly impressive. Oh he is fictional, is he. Well, how can you be a fan of him? I thought you were a fan of me. Fandom is not exclusive to one story? But everybody should be my fan, and my fan alone!

I am not sulking. A King never sulks. It is just such a shock! Does that mean this website, this , does it have other areas then? Hmm... Perhaps I had better scope out the competition. How many of my fans split their adoration between - no, I do not want to know. What are you giving me? I don't want your flimsy paper book! Oh. It's Harry Potter. Well, I suppose it is better that I read the original before investigating the fan-fiction. There are _seven_ of these? Great Glittering Goblins! Yes, yes, yes, I shall be careful. How dare you threaten me? Fine. I give you my word as King of the Goblins that I shall return your Harry Potter books in their original condition of perfection. Sheesh.

We must get on to the reason for our meeting. I was much too distracted. Back to the fascinating topic of my past! I decided that, to celebrate the anniversary of my hundredth year as Goblin King, I would hold a magnificent sporting event between the different nations of the Underground. I named them the Jarethlympia Games. Now they occur every ten years. Is that not intriguing? "Olympics"! What preposterous nonsense. I assure you that the Jarethlympia Games are far superior in every way.

We play tennis, there are Bog Navigational Contests, races through the Labyrinth, Glitter Contests, Hair Contests, we play soccer and Glitter-wrestling... There are also culinary and fashion competitions. Greatly entertaining, you can be sure of that. Of course, I usually win at most things. I am Magnificent, after all.

I must remember to tell you more about the Games the next time we meet. Presently, I must return to my dear Sarah. You see, in order to keep her from chasing all of my fans down, I must keep her quite occupied. The Jarethlympia Games are coming up again and we are entering a culinary contest as a team. We must discuss and plan for what delectable dish we are to devise to win this year's contest. And I must read this Harry Potter book. Fare you well!

_Jareth leaves deposits of glitter precisely on Harry's face in every one of my posters when he vanishes.  
Interview completed 7:50 PM_

* * *

_Tada! Jareth has become interested by our everyday comforts! It took me forever to have enough time to update this week! Thank you so much for reading, hopefully I was able to elicit some smiles! Please leave a review behind; I can assure you all it will make Jareth's hair even poofier as his ego expands. ;)_


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